Installing GPS

Quiet is a very fragile thing as you can't protect it without first destroying it. Like when you're sleeping, you're woken up by someone (insensitive) and you just can't escape back into blissful sleep until you've been furious, yelled at The Insensitive One and once again calmed yourself down. I guess you can only protect your quiet by taking preventive measures. I'm saying this because, having returned to Denmark I find myself increasingly caught up in a jumble of activities again and losing one of the things I didn't really realise I had in France: quiet. I've never realised how important it is to take time to stay home, turn off the music (and the cell-phone) and just let yourself calm down. I've never before realised what it means to 'lose yourself' and the refreshing experience of 'letting yourself catch up.' (There's a great phrase for it in Danish)

This ties in with the tentative issue of identity, how I've never felt sure of myself which reflected in how I conversed with people. I know I've been a good entertainer but when it came to making a point that's even mildly controversial, I found myself blocking up, avoiding eye-contact and agreeing all to readily with which ever point anyone else was making. Now, having 'come in contact with myself', (this is beginning to sound more and more like 'TV-shoppen') I am more assured of what I am, what I think and what I believe. Fantastic, that! ;)

But yes, I'm back in Denmark and am glad to be so. My plans now are to get a job until February when I'll start in the army for four months after which I'll have time to complete a bachelor's degree in something before applying for the Police Academy. [smile] Sounds very tidy, doesn't it?`

Marauder

I went 'power shopping' today simply because I was bored. Anyway, bought a really nice navy sweater and a DVD plus a CD for the Arab who's been carting me around. He's also proposed to drive me to the airport tomorrow which is a huuuge relief as I had no way of getting there as things were. Well there is a shuttle bus from the main train station, but to get to that I'd be taking one bus and the metro in a disjointed connect-way before the sun rose with 5 big pieces of luggage.

Wait, I haven't written it yet, have I? *laughs* Uhh, yesterday I bought a plane ticket home. Yeah, my parents had already bought one for me for the 23rd August but I didn't wanna wait that long. (No, can't refund my parents' ticket but I'll pay them back.) There are of course several reasons for this rather radical course of action: I feel like I'm wasting my time here now that the learning of the language has been obstructed, I'm working for around kr. 35/hour in the restaurant and I miss ppl back home (which is unusual for me!). The plane ticket (checking in tomorrow at 7am arriving in Billund, Dk, 1140 with a stop-over in Paris) cost 150 euros.

More to write? Yeah, sorry for the mood of this post but I'm reeeally tired cos I got up early (11am) this morning to start packing.

Anyway, I'll be going to Skywalk tomorrow evening and be starting on the soccer team again Wednesday! ahhah Actually it feels really good to have taken matters into my own hands. Taking responsibility, I call it. And no, I don't feel like I've 'quit' or backed down/given up etc. but this is no life to live down here. The Danes I went out with last night actually backed me up saying, "It's ruined, young men who emerge after having lived with Jose for too long!" coupled with many stories of others who've lived there.

Neway, I'm off to pack again! ;)

PS. Suzuki Marauder 850cc - niiiice...

Ivan Nielsen's invitation

why does this keep appearing (some invitation of a kind)?! kind of annoying that I am apparantly inviting everyone in the world to join sms.ac on my account! Ignore it! Boykot them!

neways, yesterday was a good day. I called home to Dk for 2 hours and some more and went to work where I worked like I've never worked before. Also, two Danes came to the restaurant, one of them, Anni, a girl that's worked here a couple of years ago. Her reputation is crazy, "She worked for four ppl at once," "the only girl to be offered a contract straigt off.." She said that the story seems to grow every year! Haha.. Anyway, I'm going out with her and her boyfriend *forgot name...* tonight after work.

I'm trying to change my "non-refundable/no chgs" airticket so I can go home sooner. Hah, fat chance it'll work!

What's this with Canada trying to steal Hans Island off us?! Don't they have enuff vast untouched territory in Alaska already?? Where will us 5 mill Danes go when all the ice has melted due to global warming and our flat, flat country's under water besides Hans Island and the Faroe Islands?

Please, Air France, Pleeeeease can I change my ticket! I'll only be travelling one-way anyway, so you get a free seat that I've paid for and you can charge someone else for that seat too!

Melodramatic depression

"Sun is shining - the weather is bright.." are the lyrics currently running through my head; lyrics that describe a situation that stands in stark contrast to my current state of mind. Fact is, if I could change my ticket home to tomorrow, I would. Without hesitation!

It's not so much that things here aren't bright and gay (well, they are gay, but that's a whole different story) but rather that the knowledge that I'm going home soon is corrupting my work attitude and my attitude towards this... this place! All I can see is the beauty of the Danish flag and culture. Heaven IS a place on earth, ppl, believe me! haha

I'll leave out all the problems at work (social, school-yard, unavoidable problems).

At home my brother's been accepted into the medical faculty in Aarhus, I've been drafted for the army (which I have applied for - good thing), my apartment in Randers has practically been rented out to an elderly couple and my dad's got a new job! Ergo, everything is sunny in rainy Denmark and everything is drab in sunny Marseille. Haha.. No, I'm a bit too melodramatic, sorry. Take what I've written and divide it in half and you have the situation.

Dogged Friendships

I've been thinking an awful lot about friendships in the last year, ever since I realised that I wasn't very good at it. What is a friendship and what purpose does it actually serve? I have gained good friends up till now, but I needed a formulated explanation to this riddle. I think the simple explanation came to me the other day, as I was drying glasses in the restaurant and thinking of home, that it is with friendships as with homes: its the familiarity. In your home you are comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are a guest in someone else's home. This is what makes homes so safe! With good friends you are also comfortably able to be yourself without censorship of your manners as when you are with strangers. This is what makes friends so safe! Good friends, I believe, will also help you grow as a person in the form of inspiration and love. -okay, this is beginning to sound more and more obtuse.

Point is that its been a long while since I've felt at home/with friends and I value it all the more following the saying, that 'you don't know what you've got till its gone.' I've started missing the strangest people, people that I didn't even have much to do with before I left!

I went to church last Sunday, but it was holiday and there were around 30 people. As you might remember, I found this church by talking to an outreach team that was having a worship meeting on the street across from my restaurant. I talked to one of them, Bruce, and he gave me the address. Calling him Saturday evening he told me he was leaving for the States so he wouldn't be coming to church the next day and that I should talk to Jean-Paul there. I showed up Sunday morning and was meekly welcomed by one or two smiles and I sat down near the back. The meeting, all in French, was what one knows from evangelistic churches. The youth were yawning, the speaker earnest and the worship manned by 14 year-olds compelled by their mothers. Anyway, after the meeting I wound up talking to a law student who teaches all the American evangelists, who come long-term, French. He was no great socialiser and had no time to take on the responsibility of hosting me, so after talking for a bit the conversation was politely ended:
law student (LS) "So, what will you be doing now? -going home?"
me "well, I was supposed to speak to Jean Paul but I can't see him anywhere.."
LS "No, he's a very busy man. Well, I have things to do. I know of an English church where you might fit in better if you give me your e-mail address I will try and get you in touch with them."
me (slightly surprised at being brushed off and redirected) "Oh, uhh.. yeah, sure!"
LS "Okay, well bye bye."

Hmm.. Bruce had pushed up my hopes the day before by saying that Jean-Paul, a half vietnamese, would most probably invite me for lunch (and offer me hospitable familiarity) so I was quite disappointed. Ah well, I'll try to get in touch with the English church and hopefully find someone whom I can actually communicate with. I'm getting frustrated with broken English or French. I want to speak normally, dangit! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone! But what I do know more and more is how hesitant and over-sensitively reactive I've become about churches. It doesn't take much to tick me off and any carelesness with rituals or cliches instantly get under my skin. Fascinating! ;)

I've started fantasizing about home already and as a result started pondering where to get a job. I'm starting in the army from February but until then I have nothing. I've lent a hand to the YWAM base in Moerke with felling fallen trees (from the storm), and as I understand it, there are many places with fallen trees left. I could work as a forester! Anybody with contacts? I think I need some hard work that'll keep me moving and where I can also see results with my work!

The dog's lying beside me and is beginning to take more to me than Jose. (I have a way with animals.. ;) A week ago I noticed what seemed to be a tick on its neck and I told Jose about it. Dunno what he's done about it but now the dog's scratced itself raw in the neck so I suppose Jose didn't really do much about it. The hole in the skin's about half the size of my palm of my hand and looks quite brutal. The dog's growing on my but I'll be glad to leave him behind!

I've gotten a bike! -a truly French bike: none of the screws are tightened properly, the chain has never seen oil and the wheels have only just enough air in them to keep the rims off the pavement. Nobody has a pump and nobody has tools. sigh I'm heading past the local car repair shop to see what I can borrow. The only priority with the bike is the chain which'd tie up an elephant and a lock that's the perfect weight for throwing.

My French is progressing though as I've started throwing around the most basic phrases without hesitation and have stopped translating everything and started thinking in French. Its quite exciting and its the only thing that makes me wish I could stay until January..

Oh well! Despite all this I am okay and my only problems have to do with longing for Denmark. So I am quite well! heh

The Firing - Complete Melodramatic Rendering of That Which Has Passed

I've gotten hold of a bike! No, wait, other news first..

I'm going (and staying) home the 23rd of August! Yeah, shock.. Thing is, 2 nights ago José told me that the owner of the restaurant had decided that the restaurant would be closed for renovation from September and 3-4 months forth. My older sister's getting married the 26th of August which I've already gotten the ticket for and so José told me that there'd be no point in coming back as there'd be no work for me. So just when I thought I'd have to build character by sticking it out here I was salvaged by Circumstance. Well, my feelings are ambivalent but I'll keep the good ones in mind.

The bike: Mustafa, the dish-washer at the restaurant whom I will always remember for aggressively looking me in the eyes while asking: "Tu aime respect?" ["You love respect?"], apparently has one that he doesn't put to much use. He says he'll lend it to me tomorrow but, with the same intensity as before, turned friskly from smile to aggression: "Mais, achtung!" ["But, achtung!"] I didn't know whether to laugh or whimper. In any case I succeeded in convincing him that I'd take good care of it.

I think I'll go busking tomorrow. I need to get hold of something to sit on, a small chair of sorts. I'll figure something out. Tips for today was a whopping 11 euros and I've rounded page 1000 in Vikram Seth's magical universe.

Another pastime of mine is poetry. I've realised I'm not passionate enough about this or else I just need to get into some more poetry.. Its for my song-writing. Melodies and chords come easy to me but lyrics are a whole other game. I don't wanna end up writing melancholic "she left me please come back can't live without you"-songs, but songs which will have a social and cultural impact. It shouldn't be so hard, should it? hah

Vinoth Ramachandra has written a book. Yeah, several, but he gave me this one book before he left: "Gods that Fail." Fantastic to read his view on Marx, Freud and Hegel, creation/evolution and his commentary on Job amongst other topics. Much of it was written seperately to students in Asia but he later collected it for a book: excactly what I've been looking for! But if you decide to pick it up you'd do well to keep a dictionary with you and take notes etc., cos it ain't easy reading! I'm beginning to like Indian writers: they're well-educated and as a result they have a huge vocabulary, they are prone to better human understanding and they don't seem to be entrenched in a certain view from birth / open-minded.

On the Danish front, we've decided to let Poul fix up the apartment ('let'? hmm) and then we'll rent it out. I should be home to lend a hand which I'm excited about doing. I'm equally excited about lending my dad a hand with his house which is something I, at large, failed to do while I was still at home. I was just too busy all the time and never set off days to do it. Should've..

Found a beautiful music store selling only classical music, jazz and world music. Who could've imagined better?! I tried buying a CD but to my dismay my VISA card didn't was rejected. I'll have to get in touch with my bank about it.

Okay, taking off! I've turned to writing some wierd stuff on here! Sorry, folks. ;)

Vikram Seth wannabe, me

(Note written the day after: This post is long, tiring and not really worth reading. Brace yourself with patience in the face of resounding trivialities if you set out on this long journey. Now you are warned. I might also add that the discussion in "Comments" to the post "My Faith" is growing increasingly engaging. Do you have anything to add?)

-------

Sorry for neglecting you, blog, and you who might be following too of course. I realise that its not a good way to hold an audience but I have actually been doing stuff! Yeah, so its a good thing..

There's a new/old guy at the restaurant, Sascha, (spelling?) a Croatian who lives and studies here with his Japanese wife, Megumi (name which I remember 'cos its coincidentally the name of my half-Japanese cousin in Singapore..) He's a good bloke, very intense when he speaks of anything and he is like clockwork in explaining to me everyday how, "this place is f*cked up." [laughs] Nevertheless we get on quite well and have been talking about everything from international economy and politics and religion to religious multinational coorporations in the chocolate industry including their historical role in the abolition of slavery - in English! ;) I wouldn't get nearly as far in French (although I can feel/see/hear/sense some progress.) Actually, being in this position of a learner of such a basic necessity as the local language is quite eye-opening.

[red. This is a very superfluous paragraph. Don't read it!] I learned in my first year of 'highschool' in Denmark that I was actually quite intolerantly selfish, globally speaking. It happened as my history teacher was lecturing on globalization, painting the picture of material wealth being gradually distributed more evenly, whereto she pointed out that it didn't just mean the 3rd world countries improving their standards of living, but also the western countries having to decrease our standard of living, which probably meant that Denmark couldn't go on being the island of welfare that it was, she went on to explain. My immediate reaction was one of honest shock! "Did this mean that within my lifetime... my kids might not get the same benefits and securities that I have been taking for granted?!" My secondary reaction was also shock, but this time it was shock at my first reaction of shock. Was I really that selfish that I honestly resented the thought of evening out the goods? I have strained to change which has also helped mainly under the heavy, although short, influence of Vinoth Ramachandran (Indian professor who doesn't waste money on new clothes but wears 2nd hand to save money and increase possibilities of influence. Has a Danish wife which obligates them to be here once in a while.)

Where was I? Oh, it was the word 'intolerance' that brought on the previous paragraph! I should have started on about my previous intolerance with others who I have come across who have been in my current position: learner of the basics. So the whole intolerance thing is about how I realise that I've looked down on such people because of their inability to show signs of meaningful intellect. Now the tables have turned and I am speaking like a child - a 4-5 year old - and how are people then to respect me as a thinking person! -Which they don't but I don't blame them. What I'm saying is that I'm a nuisance to be or have around and that's just the way it is. "Inevitability." I'm not depressed about it though. :)

In fact I'm quite happy these days! I've got my future planned (the next 7½ years in terms of education), and I am progressing on a personal level: 'enlightenment/scepticism/responsibility', musically (have just started meditating on Arabic scales, sounds and rhythms) and… well, other areas! ;)

In other news I'm looking forward to my first paycheck at the end of the month! I'm in a dilemma though: tax to Dk. I don't know much about the tax system (and amazingly enough, the government hasn't produced one, gathered, extensive yet logically arranged, self-education media like a book or even a CD-ROM or interactive webpage, to help along us young people who learn by gathering tid-bits of info here and there. I mean, why don't we learn about it in the school which is purposed to equip us with a basic but extensive education focused around our country and our system!) and I am wondering whether I should save 48% to pay to the guv sometime next year?

Now we're at my money affairs I may have picked up another job in the mornings. It's gardening with Sascha for his Jewish landlord. I don't know much about it 'cept its in the daytime, where I'm certainly not doing anything and it would be good for me to get out more before my nights and days are completely reversed!

I'm long-winded, I know, but I have 2 very good reasons. 1) I'm (still) reading "A Suitable Boy" by Vikram Seth which is a whopping 1474 pages! I'm a good 3rd way through and when you consider that its merely about a 19 year old girl, Lata, who's caught between an arranged marriage and a more modern way of going about things interspersed with a lighter version of the tales of 4 other family trees, only sometimes connecting, you might get an idea of how long-winded it actually is. You have to remind yourself that you're not reading it to finish it, but actually to read it! 2) I'm writing this on José, my hosts, computer at home. Turns out he has one in his room that he'll let me use which'll undoubtedly save me money at the internet café. Found another trick to save money as well:

Sascha, having quite a number of international friends himself, gave me a number which'll enable me to call any country at local Marseilleise rates! Crazy but true! I don't know who's providing a service like this but I know it works. So mom'n'dad I'll be calling home now! ;) Yay

Uhh… is that actually it? This must be the longest post I've ever written!

No, haha, church! 3 nights ago, across the street from the restaurant, I noticed a modest crowd gathered around some commotion and I lingered at the entrance in curiousity. I then saw that it was amateur dancing going on and I chuckled inwardly as I soon enough recognised the all too familiar tactics of a regular evangelistic street performance:
eye-catcher/ice breaker >
short but sweet introduction >
another item (dance/drama) >
testimony of how Jesus has changed a life (maximum of 3 minutes, preferably with reference to the previous dance/drama) >
main drama that should convey the gospel >
preaching of the gospel with heavy reference to the previous drama >
CD or other music to keep people hanging around while the evangelists (who have been observing individuals in the crowd) approach people to pose the question in a one-on-one setting.
Some people get scared or appaled when they learn that there have been developed techniques to such personal matters, but on the other hand it would be intent and sheer stupidity if techniques were not implemented to optimize results.
Anyway, point is that I, 2 years ago, was with one such team in Budapest where my role in the programme was the "CD or other music to keep people hangning around" where I played with band. So they'd set up a band workshop where we could work on the songs in an intense atmosphere with other, more seasoned, musicians there to assist us and produce the good sound. One of these "more seasoned musicians" was Bruno, an educated nurse who lived in Marseille. We hit it off quite well, no doubt because of his patience with my obsession with the French language, but it ended in him giving me an open invitation to come experience the country itself. Now I have come but without being able to contact him so we could meet up (and I could get some friends!) So I approached the group guessing that they would have some connection to him and sure enough, there was a Danish guy among them, Anders from AMC (name of church) in Aalborg, who excitedly told me that he knew Bruno. So I passed him a note with my name and email addy, and asked if he could give it to Bruno together with a greeting from me. Of course he could and further volunteered information about Bruno going to Malaga this week where alot of my friends and acquaintances from home are going. I put on a wide-eyed expression and excused myself as I had to get back to work.
Then 2 nights ago I looked and there again was another christian, evangelisation tactic unfolding: worship in the heart of the city (for spiritual effect and proclamatory impact on everyone involved.) This time it was easy to see, that it wasn't the same organisation as the night before but probably a local church or even coalition of churches (if they were big enough to see past their detrimental differences.) I approached and my intricate knowledge of these things was confirmed: a coalition. I talked to Bruce, presumably American, who lives here in Marseille and is a regular in a church that's only 15 minutes from my apartment. Not bad! I intended to attend the morning service yesterday but overslept classically. I will go next week to check it out (for wisdom.)

Okay, this is actually it! ;) Amazed with those who've held on for this long!

contract

This'll be quick 'cos I have work in 15 mins..

Good song line:
"There's a flag wrapped around a score of men."

A girl from my school, Lise Fischer (that's the girl, not the school), is coming to visit me tomorrow! She's holidaying with some family here in southern france and sms'ed me if she could come visit. At the same time, I found out that my weekly day off is Thursday.. haha, no I'm not into clear comunication and organisation.

The restaurant's breaking up. More and more people are having it out with the manager and it's all cos of lack of communication. See, when the manager has a problem with somebody's attitude he waits until its gotten the better of him and the starts yelling incomprehensible phrases with the same words seeming spread randomly throughout: planning, respect, 'not a bordel', discipline, fun'n'games. I wish I could say something (seeing as how I live with the guy, it might give me the opportunity to be diplomatic) but there's this wall of china/communication barrier. The other day he started yelling at me too, cos I was washing the glasses before the evening was over (the kitchen was full of glasses) because the washer's set out. I told him (not yelled, no) that I had too, wherefore the others had to help out with the desserts - my duties had been increased and the others do have spare time. He didn't stop to listen (typical French way of discussing) and started yelling at everyone else. Everyone's getting fed up and it's not good. My dad just bought me a plane ticket home for my sister's wedding in August, and I'm tempted to just stay home! No contract remember..

Okay, taking off! :)

lover->porsche = employee->bicycle

2 of the best waiters left during a row with the manager and the head-waiter. Well, that they were '2 of the best' is, of course, no absolute but they were 2 of the 3 that were most welcoming to me when I started a week ago! It was quite wild actually, seeing how everyone's voices just gradually raised until they were screaming at each others and the two picked up their stuff and walked off. My next thought was: "how're we gonna make it through the evening?!' Somehow it worked out. That was 3 nights ago. Last night, we had a new girl start and the boss wasn't entirely pleased with her effort. Last night was also the first night that I was left to myself in the bar at the back to refill water, prepare alot of the meals, mix drinks, make desserts and wash glasses (the washer's broken.. sigh) and it worked out. I think it was largely due to the psychological effect of not being the newbie anymore. Made me think more independently and effectively... sigh, my life is a farce! haha I'm too shallow sometimes, but the worst part is my awareness of it.

Found the beach yesterday. Small, but nice! It's 20 minutes walk away.. I'm walking too much! I've walked 45 minutes to get to this café! I'm gonna try and make the owner of the restaurant buy me a bike.. It shouldn't be too hard! He just bought his lover a Porsche! -and since I'm only an employee, that should be in ratio with lover->porsche equals employee->bike, right?

I've stopped smelling the dog.. horror of all horrors, yes.

Thanks Anne, for reading and commenting. You others should do the same (mainly my parents and siblings! ;)

I think I just might stop writing the nonsense about my job, cos I don't think anyone's really into it.

My Faith

[this post is not travel-related.. well, not travel in the geographical sense!]

I think I've made up my mind. As some of you know, my 'highschool' time flung me into a search-for-truth-from-an-objective-point-of-view period and although I'll admit, that my search hasn't been extensive (lasting, what, ½ year when there are those who spend their entire lives!) I think I've got the basic drift that the modern lifestyle, in what has been a toss-up between Christianity and modernity or whatever you wanna call it, only has relativism and a shallow perception, that there is no truth and if there is then its definetly without consequence for how I should live my life. The moral that comes from some vague pantheistic idea of the supernatural seems to me hypocritical and unfounded, assuming that the individual, on the basis of a sense of responsibility for all of humanity, should in all things do what is best for the world, when the best for the world, would be that I sold all I had, gave it to the poor and became a christian missionary. Hmm.. haha, I think I'm biased, but what the heck?!

Now, I'd like a discussion about this if anyone is up to it! ...please? ;)

Lost Da Vinci dog frustrating Sofie and Anja w/out money or contract

Goodness, time moves slow here!

Lost

Sofie og Anja

Money / contract

Dog hair

Da Vinci code

Comunication barrier frustration / pad and pencil

There - those are the things I'm planning on writing about today. If I don't write 'em down now, I'll forget 'em and this post will be as void of information as the last, and we don't want that happening now do we?! :)

Now, where was I? Oh, "Goodness, time moves slow here!" I feel like I've been here 3 weeks already when in reality it's only been.. been.. uhh.. How long's it been? 3 days?! sigh I miss the familiarity of home. I miss a familiar, daily routine where I know what to expect of people - where I actually have friends! -or just know my way around town! Take last nite for example:

We close up the restaurant around 1 am after having outwaited the last customers, drunk the wine in the bottles that are left and cleaned the place. Normally (if there is such a thing yet) I'd take a cab home with Jose and the napkins to be washed, but tonight the two waitresses ask if I'd like to go have a bite to eat and a drink with them. 'Course I say yes and we head off. Around 2.30 am the bar closes (there was nothing else on a week night) and I start walking home. One of the waitresses, Corali, lives in my direction so we walk off together. No, don't worry mom, the waitresses are 30 and 25! ;) Now, Marseille is apparently known in France as a dangerous city - especially at night - so I'm quite aware of my surroundings when walking 'cept I dont know my way around. My landmark is a big old church that's on the definitive hill-top of all hill-tops!. If you check out this pic and notice the outermost black iron gate in the bottom left hand corner, that's where I climbed the gate after scaling the 50m high sheer rock face that you can't see on the pic but that's in front of the gate.. in my black slippers and new white shirt that I use for waitering. Thing is, I knew my block was north of the church, but I'd apparently come around the south side and seeing how the roads going arooound the church were pretty freaking long, I decided to go over the mountain. I get to the top thinking more and more about snakes as I had to go through loads and loads of bushes to get around the locked, video surveyed church lot that was only open to 8 pm in the summer, 7.30pm in winter. Point is, that I got home sometime around 3.15-3.30am and had to walk Jose's dog. sigh c'est la vie, non?! Now, pity me and send me gold and myrrha! hehe No, I must admit that I thought it was fun and the walk/climb/trek was worth the joy of seeing Rue Jules Moulet where I live!

So that was all about being lost. The other alienating factor is the lack of friends that I can communicate with. Jose keeps scolding the others when the start speaking English to me at the restaurant, but I just wrote with 2 girls from my gymnasie class, Sofie and Anja, who've arrived to work in Toulon, 52 km's away by the freeway. They'll be here all summer, and I can't wait to meet up with them to speak a language I can actually express myself in! I've bought a really chic pad at the local newspaper story for 1.50 euros and it's beautiful! :) Fits in my pocket, perfect line spacing, casually serious front, perforated paper to allow easy ripping, even perfect thickness! Makes me sick to think that I've made do this long without one of those! Neways, I took down 5 solid pages of unkown words during the first day. haha, overwhelming, yeah.

About the money and contract heading it's just that I'm worried. We divide up the tips at the end of each day but that's all I've seen to do with formalities so far. I asked Jose if there was a contract I had to sign, he nodded and went on doing other stuff. I don't know.

Next header.. what was it? Oh yeah, dog hair! The dog in the apartment's a mess! Its my first time living with a dog, and my previous statements about NEVER GETTING A DOG have only been confirmed: I'M NEVER GETTING A DOG! You get home like last nite and you feel like your limbs are about to implode or explode or woteva, and you've got this beast of the wild jumping up and down you, like a child caught in a beasts body. Its uncivilised through and through and you have its filthy hair and its filthy smell riddling every inch of your body, clothes, bed, hair wax/gel, stacks of paper, wallet, socks, shoes - even your CD's are infiltrated! Garh! So I escape into a fictitious world where you don't have a dog, you never go to the toilet and you're immortal: the Da Vinci Code.

I finished it within 18 hours of starting it and walked the dog twice and had one 8 hour shift. T'was true and unmasked escapism! heh Beautiful! Now the book had a fantastic plot, but the translation (to Danish - it was all there was) was lame, outdated and riddled with spelling and marking errors. That just ticks me off, but hey. As for the conceited attack on religion, if Dan Brown had ever intended for it to be factual, which I seriously doubt were it not for the humanistic altar-call that is the moral point, then I don't give. Its pretentious and full of holes. But but but, let's not get caught up in that discussion and just let a story be a story: its beautiful fiction!

Was that really it?! Oh well, any questions? If I'm missing someone? Yeah, Filip and Michelle. Dang, when we pulled away from them in the parking lot in Dk I fiercely fighting back tears that they thoroughly deserve. I can't imagine the last 3 years without those two and now the era of their sweetening my everyday with casual, familiar love is over and I only hope that I can create something just half as beautiful in the years to come. I think I just may be happy then! So if you're reading this, Flip and Chelle, thanks again. I've said it before, and at the risk of being waaay to sentimental, I've just said it again.

But does this mean that other people haven't been important to me? Absolutely not! I know its foolish to start listing your friends in priority publicly, but it's done. ML, I'm writing you now! :) No, wait I don't have your email address!!! Dit moi!

Working apres la premiere jour

Yeah, so I had my first day at the restaurant yesterday and it was loads of fun! The other waiters and waitresses (only 4) are great and they know how to have a good time while working. As well they were very welcoming and insisting on speaking French to (not really 'with') me which of course is a necessary evil in order to learn the dangin language. It sounds cool but the problem with it is, that the pronounciation is nowhere near the spelling, and I'm quite dependent on visualizing the word, when it's said in order to understand it, so.. Its only a minor hiccup though - no biggie. Oh yeah, tips from the first night: 10 euros 75 cents.

Saturday night was crazy though as it was the last night with my parents. In the morning we'd checked in at the place I'm staying which is with one of the two managers of the Restaurant: Jose. Anyway, he invited us as a family to come eat at the restaurant which we of course did. After a hearty hearty dinner (the bill came up to around 100 euros!) my parents had to take off to their highway hotel real fast. So we went to the car, said our goodbye's whereafter they got in, and took off. Now that must have been my single most lonely moment in my life. I was standing with the clothes on my back in a city of which I didn't speak the language, and was going 'home' to a man, with whom I couldn't communicate. Let me tell you that all of my previous naive optimism left me in that moment. I trotted off to the apartment, got into the foreign bed with the strange dog still trying to hump my leg when I got in the door and dozed off to sleep. Man...

Okay, it's a bit melodramatic, but I really did feel like I was utterly alone! I had the thought walking home sat nite that now I was really on my own now. Exciting having to be alone and your life is a job which you can not fail cos you live with the boss! I think I need this lesson in responsibility. My dad kept repeating a mantra at me in the last 48 hours:

"Be responsible,
Think ahead,
Innovate."

-and I think I will!

Oh well, I gotta take off. Gotta be at work in half an hour and there's a guy I wanna find on the net here. His name's Bruno and I know him from a summer camp a year ago in Budapest. He lives here in Marseille and invited me to come visit him.. Think I will, if I can find him!

Oh yeah, if anyone wants to send me stuff my address is:

c/o Ferrer
102 Rue Jules Moulet
13006 Marseille

In Antibes - Southern France

I'm here / en France.

I've just written long emails, so my writing wont be inspired. Just to get the trivial details out of the way: it's averaging 30+ degrees here and it's humid so I'm spending alot of time reading Hærværk at the ground floor pool. At night I go sk*nny dipping at the pool on the top of my hotel - haha.. never done that before, but it's hysterical fun. Oh yeah, trivial stuff, Ivan: we've been to visit both Saint Tropez, Port Grimaud, Nice and Monaco. All lots of fun, but not hysterical. I'm having a good time applauding myself at my success with NOT appearing to be a tourist.

My life is in many ways parallel to that of Ole Jastrau, the main character in that book, Hærværk, and then in many ways not. The search for the innermost of my one's own being and eternity is in any case parallel. Read it and share my joy!

Ach, this cafe's quite probably the most expensive one I've ever set foot in, so I must end if I wanna get that beer after this! But get your own blog, and share it with me! smile do it now at blogger.com, kay?

Shame vs Love

I think it was the shame. The shame was the hardest to handle. The christian walk had come down to my continual striving to become a better person, which - of course - was doomed to fail. I think of such scriptures as: "Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit." I have no idea what context it was in, but I'm sure any pastor ('cept Grosbøll) would tell me that it applied to this quest for human perfection: "The Great Paradox - Episode 1-11 (on sale as vhs and dvd)," so I'll accept that thought for now.

Another scripture: [the one about how 'my yoke is light.'] Why have I never had this promise realised in my life?

I'm a scatterbrain right now, but the conclusion that I can't get to is this: in the past, I have been motivated by shame to become a 'better' person. As well as schizophrenia this lifestyle was headed for failure. What then do I want to be? Where do I want to go? Here's where I want to go: I want to love God, others and myself, and as a consequence of this, I will become what is commonly known as a 'better person.' However, shame and self-loathing will not be my fuel and vain glory and self-exultation will not be my goal. Love will be my fuel and goal - my one and all!

The Great Mystery - take1

Now, here's the jist of my existential crisis:

Having grown up in a Christian home/environment I'm predisposed to favouring the Christian philosophy, however, may I quickly object, this does not rule out my sane judgement (which enables me to possess the wisdom that everyone else should adopt, you see... ;) with which I have deemed Christianity, according to the canonised Bible of 300-some A.D. and faith-wise independent of modern churchy trends, to be a very, very healthy way of life on all planes of life: physically (bite me), mentally, spiritually, politically, economically, environmentally and so on and so forth. But! Is it true? (Don't talk to me about evolution as being vs. creation thereby nullifying anything and everything you won't tolerate.)

On the matter of truth, a Beautifully Satisfying Absolute, things start to haze up. Here many object only to lecture on relativism post-fall-of-the-absolutes but however appealing this no-strings, no-commitments, I'm-the-boss-of-me -escape may sound, it is often grounded in just that: escapism.

But then what? Post-modern relativism certainly does not ring true but that's excactly the beauty of it, isn't it?! It's not supposed to be true? But then consider the detrimental effects relativism would have on society, were it not for the underlying values of shame and guilt as dictated in the Bible: amorality encompassing enough to bring about the fall of the Western Empire (giving way to China or India, perhaps? Maybe Africa or South America may even take advantage of that!)

So, Christianity or no-truth-ergo-I'm-my-own(-escapist)?

I want to choose Christianity (/life.) I really do, but I find it hypocritical in a way to just believe! I don't want to 'just believe!' I want to know, I want to be able to hold my chin high in regards to my way of life, my belief, my faith.. Argh, all these 'wobbly' words - never firm enough to get a hold on!

I think the bottomline is that I don't feel like I can be satisfied just switching off my intellect and 'believing,' but is the alternative just to keep searching for an answer I'll never find and then hope hope hope that something nice will happen to some immortal conscience of mine when my body ceases to function? [sigh]

Which is the less miserable Way?